You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
