Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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