i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
