Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
