if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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