So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
