woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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