this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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