I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
