its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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