you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
