dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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