I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
