Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
