I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
