This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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