Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
