My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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