Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
