I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
