Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
