I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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