I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
