True but thats because hes a fetus.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize