bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
