I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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