She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
