fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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