I accidentally burped into my bong.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
