so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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