Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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