that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
