this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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