She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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