I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
