if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
