I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
