Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
