Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
