i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize