We're facebook friends in real life
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
