She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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