Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize