Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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