I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
