I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
