Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
