the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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