Pants 0. Shit 1.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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