i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
