apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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