Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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