i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Just fell off a train. Bad.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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