Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
