Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
we should paint friendship bongs
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
