there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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